it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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