Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
BRING THE BAGELS
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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