I hate all girls vehemently.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
