Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
