note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
