I'm pants shitting drunk right now
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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