yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
