So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
