i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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