She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
