I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
