when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize