Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
