found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
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And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
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I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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