I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
