dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She bit a glass in half.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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