There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.