So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?