Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
