Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
