I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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