I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
