Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
