sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I think I sprained my soul last night
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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