I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
