I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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