ya dads aren't the best wingmen
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
