the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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