i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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