I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
