I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
