I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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