The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
