I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
