last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
