my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
