True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
