I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
