This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
