you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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