he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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