Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
