You're my little dorito
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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