Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Floor bacon is actually really good
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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