Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Drunk is a universal language darling
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