u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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