Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
