i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
