five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
