Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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