Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
