end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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