Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
