The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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