birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
