I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
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Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
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Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.