im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
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Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
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Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again