the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
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I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
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I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.