I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...